I was born in West Virginia to a wonderful woman and an emotionally unbalanced man. He abused her. She left. She was a good mom. Made a lot of mistakes but her heart was good. She found another man and had two daughters. My older adopted brother was 5 years older. When I was 5 my mother had brain cancer. She beat it and then had my second sister. During the time she was in and out of the hospital I was sent to live with relatives. One of my cousins began raping me in the ass and mouth for about two years. My mom put our 80-acre farm up for collateral on a house in Weston WV. When she got sick her second man left her and we lost the house and the farm… My whole future went up in smoke in just a few years. I lost my home. A little slice of heaven. A place I could have gone to the countless times I’ve been alone scared abused and used. A place I could have brought my woman and daughter before the registry ripped them both out of my hands.. all the pain and hard work I’ve endured could have been not so if she would have not bought that house… In 2008 we had hit the end of our rope. I was 11 my younger sisters were 5 and 4. By this time I had developed a sexual curiosity due to my cousin ramming his dick inside me every night for a year or so. So I touched my 5-year-old sister. The rock hill SC police took me to jail. I spent a night there and then they put me in a boy’s camp. I stayed there with all sorts… Two years go by and I am released to my grandma. My mother had abandoned me. When we were in court she told the judge to throw the book at me. So I didn’t expect her to be there… I go to school and everything’s fine for a time. Till I see my mug shot on my locker. Everyone knew by the end of the first school week. I got expelled in the first month for busting a kid’s teeth out with a locker lock. The SC PD put me in Palmetto. I got out after a year and six months and left my grandmother to live with my uncle… I’m going to skip this part it hurts too much…. I can’t explain the pain that comes with letting down the only father figure I ever knew but I was a constant disappointment in his eyes.. he loves me but I don’t deserve it. Some years go by and I start talking to mom again. Her name is Karen. The chemo messed her up and she was living alone in filth and her daughters had also abandoned her. I came and moved in. I took care of her and paid what bills I could. Some months we went without power or water. I am so ashamed. I wish I could give them all so much more but I’ve let down so many family members. She was so frail. The last time I saw her she was large. She was skin and bones when I got there.  I’m bawling as I type this. I’m sorry it just hurts so damn bad. God, I wish I could have been more. I would give anything to go back and spend time with her… Now she can’t even speak. She’s in a nursing home in Elizabeth… But I can’t go home cause the laws there put me in jail every time I’m homeless or pass through. I ran away when I turned 18. I couldn’t sit there and watch her either away. My brother came and got her and put her in a home. I’m such a failure. I studied medicine for 3 years in high school and at the start of my 4 the year and hospital told the teacher predator can’t work at a hospital. Three years of killing myself with cramming and memorizing bullshit was wasted …. Anyway I ran away… I saw some of the world. Florida, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Georgia.. then New York. I met her there. God, we fell hard. She found out about me and opened her wrist… I wrapped a towel around it tight and called an ambulance Gave them the address and caught a ferry off Long Island into Connecticut. See,  I’m a piece of shit. She was ok but she can’t use her last two fingers now. She took me back. After some time she began to hate me and I left again. (Piece of shit exhibit b… Or f … Idk anymore) I was gone for 8 months. Then she moved to Tennessee. And I followed. We found each other again and I slept in her car for a while. Tennessee winters are fucking brutal. They can kill you in a car.. she finally got pregnant… I thought my shit didn’t work… We had no place to go. Her mom told her to give the baby away or move out. So a friend of mine let us use her house in Knoxville TN. An evil bitch who can burn in the deepest darkest hottest part of hell for eternity. After a year she wanted us gone. The house was shit I fixed so much and when we got there there was trash and shit up to your waste. We had no place to go I was the only one working and again… I just wasn’t enough. That friend moved her pot and coke dealing son into the house with us because he apparently wouldn’t clean up after himself or help pay bills. He and his girlfriend gave my daughter’s mother a bottle of liquor. I had gotten her sober for 5 years. I couldn’t buy Christmas and when I got home all I could do was pay rent to his mom and sit in my shame. It was my baby’s first Christmas and I had nothing for her or her mother. She was drunk when I walked through the door. We argued for 4 or 5 hours while I was trying to put the babe to sleep. Finally, things got physical and the cops got called. She wanted to hold the baby and would not take no for an answer so she threw hands and I hit her once and it was over. I broke her eye socket and busted blood vessels in her eye. Tim and his girlfriend called the cops. I ran. Again. They took our baby. I wasn’t on the birth certificate so I have no parental rights to get a lawyer for the case. I have to be known as the dad and to get a DNA test. I have to have a lawyer.  Knox County stole our child because some coke head said we were abusing our baby. That little girl is the light of my life. She is my heir. She is my soul. She is everything to me. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her. Nothing. They said we threw her up against the wall and that we don’t feed her and that we leave her dirty. I have 674 pictures on my phone of a happy baby. A healthy baby. I was on the run so I kept running. Harper’s mom wouldn’t take the baby temporarily and my family couldn’t cause I’m not known as the father. So they gave her to another woman. A woman who can not have children. A woman without an incentive to hold onto my daughter with all her might and ability. I’ve only met this woman twice and both times she was buying cocaine. Her mom was the one who got violent but I’m the one who can’t even have visits. I can’t see her, hear about her, nothing. The juvenile court in Knoxville won’t answer any of my questions. They know that they are going to keep my daughter for as long as possible. Her mom won’t take her classes so I doubt she will get her back either. Last night at work I went off on her through text telling her she can’t blame me for this. All she had to do was not do anything where the police would get called. But no we have to be batshit crazy all the time. But it’s my fault she’s like that. She’s insecure. I’ve left a lot. It’s hard loving and loving someone with mental health issues. But I swear on all my ancestors’ graves that I will never take another woman. She was and is my one true love. I hate her for what she did but if it weren’t for me we could get her back. They’re never going to give her back.. I’m writing this from my shitty apartment in Nashville… The court moved me all the way out here to Peachtree house. A shit-hole shot hole where they steal your food and masturbate in your shoe. The owner is a crack addict who runs a sobriety house. Lmao, what a joke. I moved out. I work 3rds so I don’t have to see families. It doesn’t help much though. Everything reminds me of my two ladies somehow. They were the only family I ever felt I had. When I was charged everyone else I knew and loved distanced themselves… And now the registry has taken the family I made for myself. I miss my baby. I’m going crazy slowly. I hear her laugh. I say things a father would only say to his daughter in everyday speech sometimes like “oh my goodness” I’d say that a lot to her and smile and caress her and the smiles and laughter were absolute bliss. Pure joy. The happiest I’ve ever been… She was my everything. I’m so haunted. Alone. Darkness is creeping in and every day I’m a little closer. And honestly, I can’t wait. God, I want you to send me back to that trailer in Arnoldsburg W.V. where it’s the middle of nowhere and I’m 5 again and I have no idea of the hurts this world has in store. Where my sisters are watching Balto and Arista cats on VHS for the thousandth time and my brother playing in his tent with his fishing poles. My mom….. I miss my mom….. But I’m here. Take me from this place where my soul and mind rot, God. Take me back to West Virginia. Tonight I’m going to hang myself. Please don’t follow me… For I am truly lost.

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