To start with my son’s story, we have to go back into the past. I’ll start with my past. I grew up in a small town called McAdenville, North Carolina. McAdenville was affectionately known as Christmas town USA. McAdenville was a small textile town that prospered until the late 80s. Growing up there was a fairytale to a little child. We actually had a small local little zoo that we could go to on weekends. My stepdad helped run that local little zoo during his spare time. He loved it raising anything that hatched from eggs. So that was his specialty at the zoo. Now keep in mind it was a really small local zoo maybe 8 acres total. But that’s not really what I want to talk about.

I want to set up what part of my childhood was like because it wasn’t all bad. As a child, we innately understand that adults are protectors. And I had grandparents, aunts and uncles that were my protectors. But they really thought they were protecting me from my mom. Mom became pregnant with me at the early age of 18 and her family did not approve. She and my dad had a very fiery relationship. And the last time that they were together is when I was conceived. But he didn’t know about me until years later. But by then it was too late. My biological dad did not find out about me until I was three years old. But he didn’t know how to find me. And because of this, I grew up being molested by my stepdad. But I did not know him as stepdad I just knew him as dad.

One of my earliest memories was of a multicolored rainbow bear that would come visit me at night. I was so scared of this bear. Years later I would understand that my stepdad won this bear at a fair for my mom. So, in my child head imagination, I personified him as that rainbow bear. Now this rainbow bear would come to visit me at night and I couldn’t have been no more than one or two, but I had those memories. Science says that in the human brain the earliest memories you can have most likely is around the age of four. However, I know these are valid memories even at that early age. The reason that this is relevant is that I did not know how to break the cycle.

What do I mean by that? Let’s fast-forward for many years. My youngest son had just turned eight and we were having a birthday party for him. This is when my life changed forever. My biological dad’s wife was at the birthday party and that she happened to walk in on Andy and my middle son being molested by a neighborhood boy. This boy was 12 years old. I was mortified, I was angry and I totally blamed myself. We did the things that we were supposed to and reported it. We got the boys into counseling. And there were charges pressed. But it did not go to trial because they didn’t want to talk to the DA. Just imagine as an eight-year-old and a 10-year-old man scared and it is no wonder they would not answer his questions. We did all the things that we thought were right. And we went on with our lives.
I will never forget this day in my life. I was driving home from work and my middle son called me and asked me where I was. I said I’m driving home and then he dropped a bombshell on me. He said, mama they came and arrested my brother. Do you know when they talk about your life flashing in front of your eyes? For me, it was the lack of sound. I heard nothing and I think that’s when your body takes over because you’re in shock. But I remember that day so vividly. I remember driving the last 2 miles and just thinking that this is a prank. And I could see everything in detail like a super sharp focus and then the sound came back. I remember driving down the driveway I remember the smell of the grass because my husband had just cut it. I remember looking at all of the greenery because this was in spring and just looking at the day because it’s so lovely. Then I open my car door and started walking up the sidewalk and then up the steps and then looking through the doorway. What greeted me inside I can never unsee. There were CDs, DVDs, strewn everywhere, there were papers everywhere they had taken the guns out and threw the guns all over the bed’s, took out the bullets, they had ripped the computer away from the desk, taken all of the hard drives, all-flash drives and they even took my over-the-counter sleeping pills because they are quote — end-quote going to be used for nefarious means. Then I looked at the warrant and I saw our house was raided for possession of child pornography from my youngest son. After reading that I was extremely angry. And so, upset. I remember calling and telling my husband what had happened. Our world had turned upside down yet again.
You see when somebody has gone through being molested and not knowing how to handle the anger, the shame, and the guilt, my son turned to the nightmares. He downloaded pictures. And he did not know how to ask for help. He was so angry that he had done that. Andy has taken accountability for downloading those pictures. Then for a while, I was angry at myself because I failed to break that cycle. I had failed to break the cycle of pain, I had failed to break the cycle of abuse, and most importantly I had failed my son. I chose to look away from the drinking, from the smoking pot, and from the hurt. His life is now in shambles and he is serving a minimum of six years for a 12-year sentence. Then he will be on parole for five years and on the registry for a lifetime. He will have an extremely hard time finding work and our home will be scrutinized for a lifetime. And until we start telling our stories we will never break the cycle. It is from telling my story and my son’s story that we can break the cycle. We don’t need mass incarceration. What we need are mental health programs that help those that are in need. We have countries like Norway and Finland that have recognized most people offend due to mental health issues. Instead of going to prison where you don’t receive the help that you are told that you will get, these countries allow people to really get help and closure. I want to tell my story because I believe others need to hear and I want them to know that there is help and that there is hope. It is not a right that we continue to victimize those that have been victimized and yet we continue to do it. We continue as a society to let the illegal site stay up and we continue as a society to vilify something that is not understood. We need to focus as a society to shut down these child pornography sites and we need to have the help available to those that are suffering. And we need help breaking that cycle.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and I hope that helps someone.

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