WHY TRY?

That is how I feel at the present moment. In 2014 I went to an illegal underground Rave and at that point in my life, I was deep into drugs and alcohol and a lot of illegal activity. Fast forward 2 years later and I found out through a friend of mine that there was a warrant out for my arrest I was soon extradited back to my home state and charged with indecent liberties against a minor.

I was sentenced and went to prison in July of 2016. I wasn't released until September of 2019. Then in November of that same year even though I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing and especially going above and beyond pulling 16-hour days just to find all the resources needed to get on my feet and get a place. I was parole violated for being in a verbal BDSM contract agreement with my then-boyfriend. Fast forward from 2019 after sitting in prison waiting to see the parole board being sexually assaulted multiple times and being misgendered and neglected I was finally released in 2021.

In March of 2021, I stepped out of prison to finally go into the adult world. Try being an adult for the first time and being responsible at that point. I had been 6 years clean from all drugs and hadn't committed a crime. Yes, granted I'd been in prison but in there I was a model inmate. As of today's date which is June 15th, 2022 I have been through so much including more sexual assault and recently being doxed on the internet having my record put out there for everyone to see. Since then I've received quite a lot of death threats and my boyfriend who lives in Washington wanted me to come up there for a vacation to get away from everything I was told that I was not allowed to because travel is a privilege, not a right. I currently am living in a house with no internal air or heat a house that has no running water it's basically glorified camping I live in a super small conservative town as a transgender woman and I have done the best I can to get a job and a place and do all the things I'm supposed to so I can get started on the road to the career I've always wanted but it seems like the system is going to do all it can to see me back in prison.

At this point like it says for the title of this post I honestly feel like fuck it, why try? Today I recently uninstalled the app that I use for my blog and walked away for a while because I am honestly fed up with everything and just need time away and time to myself, I have done all I can to do what I'm supposed to but I honestly don't know where to turn or what to do anymore. My marriage recently dissolved as well not through any fault of mine or my now ex-husbands but, just because he is 22 and has come to some realizations in his life like most 22-year-olds do when it comes to growing and figuring out who we are and now.......

*starts to cry*

I am trying to figure out what to do, like how am I gonna face life without him?

Without his kisses, his comforting hugs and cuddles, his strong arms wrapping around me and holding me while I fall apart screaming and crying and howling like a wounded animal?

Fuck a job, fuck a place, fuck everything and everyone. All I care about right now is this all-consuming feeling of pain and despair.

Why me?

Why us?

Where do I go from here?

What's left to live for?

These are the questions that circle the storm clouds in my soul.