[Sticky] Just Waiting To Die
It didn’t really hit me until an old acquaintance texted me out of the blue and asked me what I’ve been up to. Since it was a text, I had time to actually think about what exactly I have been up to. So, I texted him back, “just waiting to die.” It was a shocking realization, but it was the truth. I have absolutely nothing to look forward to.
Can’t make any decent money, most won’t even consider hiring a felon, especially the dreaded ‘sex offender’. Those that will hire you pay next to nothing, so you make just enough to cover your living expenses and nothing more. I may be feeding the economy, but I’m not living. No family or old friends to speak of because nobody can afford to be associated with a sex offender. Even those that advocate my innocence tell me they can’t afford to be seen socially with me.
Good luck finding a girlfriend. They leave the minute they find out. I’m too paranoid most of the time anyway. Just a single accusation from any female would mean more prison time, so it’s safer to simply nod and move away. I’m not sure how I would react to being intimate with a woman anyway, at this point they’re pretty much alien to me.
I’m sort of like a drone; I exist, eat, work, shower, sleep, pay bills. That’s about it. Most people cannot even fathom how much isolation a person can endure. What’s the longest you’ve gone without human touch? Or a hug? It’s been so long for me you wouldn’t believe it if I did disclose it.
I recently read an article from the New York Times about Representative Dan Johnson, a first-time Republican from Kentucky that committed suicide after being accused of fondling a 17-year-old girl. And I thought, perhaps he had the right idea; why deal with at least a decade behind bars, and broke and alone for the remainder of life. Why bother?
Now I’m not suicidal. I believe that is up to God. But I have become an organ donor. I’m if perfect physical health, so it just seems such a waste. I have no more desire for life. Why can’t I give my heart, lungs, liver, kidneys, or whatever is needed, to some guy who has a wife, kids and family that love him and simply can’t live without him. That is what I desire.
I am sorry you feel this way. I too have a difficult time with the registry and the punishment it imposes on those required to comply with it. It is indeed punishment and does no good as currently designed. Its effects are debilitating and I have felt as you describe many times.
I notice that you speak of God in your post so I hope I will not offend you.
I have organized a group of people I know to unite in prayer every month to say the Novena to St. Jude. Some of us are Catholics, some follow other faiths, some none at all, but feel there is power in united requests(prayer) to a higher power(God). Some are incarcerated, some the families of those. Some are not yet on the registry but await that fate. We live in different cities and states but say the prayer the 1st through the 9th of every month at 9:00pm. You are welcome to join us and if you know of anyone else that would join in as well, please ask them. We believe Matthew 18:19 - "Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven."
Our request is the abolishment of the registry.
Most holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honors and invokes you universally, as the patron of difficult cases, of things almost despaired of, Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone.
Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly -
(make your request here)
- and that I may praise God with you and all the saints forever. I promise, O Blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor granted me by God and to always honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you.
May the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus be adored, and loved in all the tabernacles until the end of time. Amen.
May the most Sacred Heart of Jesus be praised and glorified now and forever. Amen
St. Jude pray for us and hear our prayers. Amen.
Blessed be the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Blessed be the Immaculate Heart of Mary
Blessed be St. Jude Thaddeus, in all the world and for all Eternity.
(say this prayer, followed by the Our Father and the Hail Mary.)
I read your post and thought you had somehow looked into my mind. I've actually spent the last hour or more, typing a long and rambling account of my own personal experiences, but I realized that there's no point in it, so I deleted them. I'm preaching to the choir. I have 6 months left before I pull the plug. I'm tired of just existing but decided that I'll give it to the end of this year and if something doesn't give, I will. Good luck.
If anyone has the ability to track me, please don't. You'll only make me suffer more. Please understand.