D and I met in 2012 through an ex of mine. We became close friends through a shared hobby group which he had been a part of. I was in my early 20s, he in his early 30s. we were both in relationships at the time. We became close friends over the years, and in 2014, we both had our hearts broken. We ended up commiserating over our shared pain, and ended up together a few months later. We already cared deeply for each other, we had already met each other’s families, and were open about almost everything between our mental illnesses and our life and relationship goals, even our shared child-free stance. I told him that we were going to get married, or we weren’t going to date. To my surprise, he agreed. But he had something to talk to me about first.
In 2013 he was in a very dark and self-destructive place, after both a decade ling abusive relationship, and a rebound with an old fling who cheated on him multiple times. He got involved in things he should not have, and poked the wrong corner of the internet, leading to an arrest for hacking and child porn. As this was years ago, he thought that the possibility of charges being brought were slim, but he wanted me to know that it was a possibility, and that I deserve to be able to make an informed choice. I said that it was fine, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
In November of that year, while he was away for a work trip, he was ordered to contact the police, and that charges were being brought against him.
I was devastated, but he was able to afford a lawyer that wasn’t a public defender with the help of his mother and father. This began nearly 2 years of meetings with therapists, polygraphs, lawyers meetings, and the court drawing out the trial. Finally, after 2 years, they decided to tack on charges of the pirated music and movies on his hard drive to the charges, which would have been additional fines and prison time if he lost. They offered a plea deal, probation (for which the prosecution desperately tried to turn into prison time anyway) for a guilty plea of one count of possession.
He took it. At this point, we were engaged, and we were terrified what would happen if he went to prison, especially with his bipolar disorder. He began registry in 2017, with 7 years probation and a 10 year registry requirement.
Immediately, we were unable to be involved in the hobby we were once a large part of, and had dedicated a lot of time and money to. After a while, my jilted lover from in between my ex and my then-fiancé found out about the situation, and decided to spread rumors that my husband had laid hands on children, either because of ignorance at the designation of the charges or malicious intent, though it is likely a combination of both.
We lost a majority of our friend group, even some we thought wouldn’t be affected by that, who we trusted knew who we were and what had actually happened, and some that had been friends for several years. From that period, we have about 4-5 of the 50 or so people that we had developed some form of friendship with. He lost a well-paying job that would have provided for us due to someone telling his work about his registration, and he is now forced to work a low-paying, highly dangerous factory job with no benefits where he almost died at least twice last year. I worry that my job will find out, and I am the breadwinner. We can’t live on one income. We were incredibly lucky to find a tiny little apartment with no amenities where our neighbor found out but actually doesn’t care because she found out after she had lived next to us for 6 months. That was the best luck we could hope for. We are unable to live in a complex due to the felony conviction, and finding someone to rent to a person who is listed on the registry is almost an impossibility. We have been fortunate that the only vandalism is that his car was egged twice and that is it.
I have developed a near debilitating panic disorder and social anxiety. I am on edge at every knock on our door. I sleep with a machete next to me, within arms reach, because I am terrified someone will find the apartment, break in, and try to kill my husband. The sound of every siren makes my scalp crawl. I would likely be diagnosed with PTSD if I could find a therapist. I was never very trusting of the cops before this, and now even less so. Some of the friends we have now know and understand, but there are some who would drop me in a second if they found out. Thank god for my mother being understanding, which was a rare feat for her.
My husband is the most kind and gentle soul, who has been put through far too much hell his whole life. He has always showed me kindness, love, and respect. We bring out the best in each other, and we always have each other’s backs. Not only is he my husband, but he is my best friend.
If he had gotten help for his trauma and his history of physical and sexual abuse over the years, he likely would not have gotten involved with the shit he did. The silver lining is he has a therapist and a support group so he can work through his issues. However, I’m unable to find a therapist that is even remotely affordable, and even then, I don’t know if I would be able to find someone who would be able to help without judgement. Because of his registry, and our age difference (now early thirties/early forties) I feel as though they would try to push an untrue narrative onto this relationship. I feel like I can’t trust a lot of people overall.
I don’t really know how to end this, since the story is not over yet. We have another 7 or so years at least of this, so we’re just trying to get by. We’ve been a lot luckier in a lot of respects than a lot of other people, but there is still so much damage to wade through.
Women Against Registry Family Foundation.
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Our organizations, Women Against Registry and WAR Family Foundation, do not support or condone illegal sexual activity based on state and federal laws, to include child or adult sex trafficking. We are not and have never been affiliated with any organizations that promote, support or condone sex between adults and minors.
