I am a 49 yr old male convicted sex offender. I consider myself a former or ex sex offender. The title of sex offender or s.o. I’d just to permanent with the assumption of never recovering or moving forward. I by no means feel what I did was ok. I just feel it was by a different me at a different time. By no means do I feel the memories of residual effects of my former actions should or would disappear. I’m a victim of sex abuse myself. I do not feel that is the only reason I did what I did, but I’m not going to say it didn’t have an affect on me. People ask me, knowing how it felt and feels how could you do what you did. I have no answer for that. Nothing I’m satisfied by saying or thinking. I make no excuses. I try everyday not to hate myself, to forgive myself. When I feel I’m getting there I get a constant reminder, daily, weekly, monthly. It never ever goes away. And in some ways, it shouldn’t. Why should I be able to move on completely when I know my victim can’t. My problem is that society still looks down its nose and refuses to let me try to be a contributing member if society. To provide for my family and my 2 year old son, who I have earned the trust and respect of my p.o. and therapists to be around and raise. I try to fi d a job to provide. It’s almost impossible. I had a great job with the USPS. They did my background and gave me a job. I was ecstatic to be able to work hard and provide for my family and community. After 72 days if employment, an HR person ‘happened’ to come across my file and background check(from two months earlier) and immediately terminated me. That was over 4 months ago and I still have yet to receive in writing g that I was terminated and why. It was told to me, by the 4th person in line after that HR rep. Now the microchip shortage has affected my current job. My hrs are slashed and unemployment says I still make too much. 1600 a month for a family of 3, includes a 2 yr old and a disabled wife. Who by the way has been fighting with disability social security for almost 2 yrs. And let me talk about my wife. She is my hero. She has been abused in every imaginable fashion. Things that make me cry and cringe. Her first husband beat the dog shit out of her almost daily. The molestation that happened to her as a child, worse than any story I ever heard, and I did over 9 yrs with murderers, rapists, child molesters and ever other creep you could think of. A side from all this other tragedy, I feel like a failure on top of everything else because I feel I can’t provide for my son and my hero. I don’t ask for forgiveness, that’s not fair if me to ask. That puts a burden on someone else and I already did that enough in my life. I just want the ability to be looked at as, ok, he did his time, let’s give him a chance to move forward. Where the hell does keeping us down, miserable, beat up….get anyone else? How is that helping anyone? How does that help victims? Hurting my child and wife because of the horrible mistake I made over 25 yrs ago. I carry that everyday. I live with turmoil as I should, but damn it, don’t make my family pay for that. They gave me a chance. And they still believe in me even when I find it so difficult to believe in myself. I’m waiting to hear back from the tenth pt job I applied for. I’d ask for fingers to be crossed but at this point, I ask for prayers for my family, my son and my hero. As long as they are good, im content. Blessings to you all and please, don’t ever give up. As much as I want to, I won’t, but it gets harder every day.
Women Against Registry Family Foundation.
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Our organizations, Women Against Registry and WAR Family Foundation, do not support or condone illegal sexual activity based on state and federal laws, to include child or adult sex trafficking. We are not and have never been affiliated with any organizations that promote, support or condone sex between adults and minors.
