Crash and nosedive into cliff exploding, etc

Hi, I grew up gay in CA in the 70’s. It was not ok to be gay. I knew I was by 10..
Jumping forward, I had always wanted kids. My now ex-wife’s father committed suicide for being gay when she was only 8 1/2 years old. Several of her other boyfriends also came out as gay. and I didn’t want to be the next gay boyfriend for her. Plus I thought I could shove it down. Eventually, I became suicidal , got some therapy and medication. I later found a boyfriend, but 2+ yrs into our 5-yr relationship, he came out HIV positive and it completely freaked me. I’m still not, but growing up with Reagan in the 80’s, not good. I didn’t react well and we split 3 yrs later. I had used porn, gay butch porn, for a while. First because of having a wife (who I’d still give my life for) and then a partner I was scared of. After separating I had an okay job as a nurse. I used porn as a crutch. I was on a filesharing site. I used it for legal porn, but occasionally child porn would be mixed in. I just put it in the trash. (I should have run away). Then I accidentally shared my whole hard drive by clicking on the wrong box. I’ve so far lost 10+ yrs., my kids, my job, my likelihood to ever be able to retire, and I’m afraid to apply for a good job, or a new place to live. Continuing on the registry is just punitive. I’ve never been attracted to children.  I did ~4 yrs in prison. And now I’m stuck on the registry, which since I’m 50+ could be the rest of my life. I could ramble on, this is long enough. If you want more details, just ask. After all the degradation, I have little shame or privacy left.

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